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Over the years, Vera had found how to get the best from her bathroom scales."ITHINK ROVER WANTS TO GO FOR A WALK"
AFTER SEVERAL HOURS OF TRYING TO ORDER ON-LINE, FRED DECIDED TO CLOSE DOWN HIS COMPUTERMy God!! Have we been burgled? ... No...the grandchildren came round
Happy Birthday Natasha only went to the shop to buy a bar of chocolate... ...but on the way she saw a dress and a pair of shoes to go with it!HELEN'S GIN AND TONIC DIET WAS SORT OF GOING WELL...  SHE'D LOST TWO DAYS.
I'm going to have an accident if he doesn't finish polishing that car soonMany years ago, the youth fairy flew into your bedroom, landed on your pillow and, waving her wand, said "This child shall forever be young!".... but you rolled over and squashed her and now look what's happened!
You've been staring at that carton of orange for half an hour.  What's the problem?  Ssssh, it say concentrate.They appreciated the down to earth quality of Australian wines
KATE HAD WHAT IT TOOK TO COPE WITH BEING A YEAR OLDER ... 6 LARGE GINS, 3 PINTS OF CIDER AND A BRANDY CHASER!French Military Manoeuvres
This obsession with eBAY is getting ridiculous.. How can you say that?... I've just got £1500 for your mother!What women think about in the bath
IT'S NO USE WHISTLING GEORGE - I CAN SEE THE BUBBLES COMING OUT OF YOUR BOTTOM.Suzy had 'come to bed' eyes, Jack had a T-shirt.
Sarah. I think the dog wants to go out.'DON'T WORRY' CORRUTHERS CRIED CHEERILY, ' ACCORDING TO MY GPS TRACKING SYSTEM WERE STILL IN KENSINGTON'
Emma found that if she wore something slinky, she could really make an entranceDot only went to the shops for a bar of chocolate.  But on the way home she saw a dress that would go with it...
Suddenly Bella's worries about the ozone layer, plight of the blue whale and world peace paled into insignificanceI SAID 'HOLD MY CALLS' 
MRS PEMBERTON!
Clayboys Astrology - Capricorn
Opinionated, perfectionist, stubborn, demanding, skeptical, persistent, over-critical, rigid, wary, wry, social climber, inhibited, over ambitious, serious, relentless, cautious, tenacious, rigid, competitive, shrewd, insatiable...simply IRRESISTIBLE.Your wife is on line two, she wants her sign back.
Ever the optimist, Norman handed the barber his Tom Cruise cutting."...It was horrible - I was abducted by aliens and underwent some kind of physical examination. They then drip fed me with copious amouts of alcohol..."
PENELOPE COULDN'T HELP FEELING THAT FRED'S ROAD-RAGE PROBLEM WAS GETTING WORSEGuess who? - I don't care!
Happy Birthday. Did you say exercise?... ...Or Accessorise?WITH FRIENDS ON HER BIRTHDAY, HELEN FELT A GREAT SENSE OF INNER PEACE AND CALM... YEP SHE WAS SHITFACED AGAIN!
Its fantastic I can find out the EXACT weather outside this EXACT house at this EXACT moment - all on the internet!It may not be a pretty picture but you're old enough to face the truth...
You're growing older like a fine vintage car...TAXI!   

PEDESTRIAN!
YES, HELEN CERTAINLY WAS ALL WOMAN - STRONG YET STILL SENSITIVE, ASSERTIVE YET STILL CARING, POWERFUL YET STILL FRAGILE ... ... PISSED YET STILL STANDING!You are my Sunshine
As the fake tan developed, Lizzie made the mistake of going to the loo.YOU STILL HAVE A SIX-PACK MR JONES - ITS JUST IN A QUILTED BAG WITH THE REST OF THE WEEKS SHOPPING
Suzy could have sworn they felt comfy in the shopShould I tell Marge to trim her bush. Should I tell Ted his dick's in my slipper
Bella found if administered correctly, evening primrose oil had a remarkably calming effectClayboys Astrology - Aquarius
Eccentic, rebellious, temperamental, distrustful, quirky, quickly bored, inflexible, wry, aloof, anti-social, absent-minded, over-analytical, obstinate, blunt, self-absorbed, nonconformist, tactless and rude, moody, unconventional, unpredictable...Perfect in EVERY way.
Mr Purkiss had found Vera's secret chocolate store, and now he must die.Wendy was ready for her 'coffee morning' with the girls.
WHEN IT CAME TO GREENHOUSE GASSES FRED WAS PART OF THE SOLUTION...AND PART OF THE PROBLEMI was trying to get information on garden sheds...and then I typed 'easy erection'
Happy Birthday. Take life with a pinch of salt. ...Wedge of lime and a shot of tequila!AS DAVE FINISHED OFF THE LAST SHEET OF TOILET PAPER, THERE SEEMED ONLY ONE ALTERNATIVE...
Don't try and deny peeing in the linen basket last night - the lid's upA little bird told me that John is a year older...  But don't worry he won't tell anyone else
Where are we? E Bay!When it comes to chocolate there are no half-measures
She argued that one glass of wine a day is actually quite good for youClayboys Astrology - Pisces
Impractical, gullible, enigmatic, sensationalist, careless, indifferent, oblivious, temperamental, vague, easlily led, quirky, flaky, spaced out, overly sensitive, idle, self-absorbed, procastinationg, disorganised, satirical, irresponsible, indecisive, over-emotional, escapist, mysterious...and ULTRA popular.
The Dangers of the Internet .... Colin only logged on to check his email.  4 hours later, he had bought a C-reg Vauxhall Astra and married a 17-year-old Texan.FRED DECIDED TO SAVE MONEY BY DOING PENELOPE'S BIRTHDAY STRIP-AGRAM HIMSELF
Nora says I'm supposed to lay this down for a while - But I think I'll drink it... then I'll lay down for a whileHappy Birthday A drop of wine never hurt anyone... ...must be why a whole bottle makes you feel a whole lot better!
No Ken.  Watching football and drinking beer at the same time is not multi-tasking!Unfortunately the passer-by he'd asked to take his photo outside Arsenal's stadium, was a Spurs fan
For George, a student life is a good lifeBella was not impressed when the dog logged on to her computer
Clayboys Astrology - Aries "Restless, reckless, impatient, bossy, temperamental, opinionated, impulsive, lustful, blunt, head strong, jealous, self centred, brash, self indulgent, impetuous, irresponsible, quick tempered, over confident, competitive, argumentitive, self-absorbed, volatile...EXTRAORDINARILY exciting."Sign-"WORLD'S MOST EMBARASSING DANCER COMPETETION" FRED WAS THRILLED TO BE  WINNER AT SOMETHING
Now, I'm just popping in here to look at some shoes. What are you going to do? ... I might go on holiday for a while. I'll see you back hereHappy Birthday Getting older... some women take a tonic... Juliet just has the gin!
Thats it - just sit and look blankly at them, it drives them crazy!"DON'T EAT THE HARD BIT ON ITS BACK,
THEY MAKE YOU FART"
Wishing you a Happy Birthday HaroldDerek realised he was shitfaced when he slipped in the pub loo.
Clayboys Astrology - Taurus 
Opinionated, obstinate, materialistic, temperamental, argumentative, controlling, persistent, brooding, bull headed, lustful, jealous and possessive, self indulgent, head strong, hedonistic, self-centred, inflexible, obsessive, volatile, voracious, stubborn... and EXTREMELY good looking.FRED FINALLY GOT HIS OWN WAY WITH THE BACK GARDEN
Stop showing off Ned... I know its your walking stick.Happy Birthday. Aspire to barbie... ...the bitch has everything!
Darling, I'm worried about your carbon footprint. You left the telly on standby.The Advancing British Army
Bella only drank one unit of alcohol a weekClayboys Astrology - Gemini
Imapatient, restless, impractical. irritable, evasive, flirtatious, self-absorbed, gossipy, sarcastic, quickly bored, Jack of all trades, insatiable, non-committal, quarrelsome, capricious, over-active imagination, manipulative, indecisive, unpredictable... and TWICE the FUN!
FRED WAS DETERMINED TO BE THE FIRST MAN TO LAND A MOTHER-IN-LAW ON THE MOONHappy Birthday I'll decide when... ...I want to grow older!
His philosophy was 'what's the point of having an expensive car if nobody knows who's driving it'Welcome to your new home Joshua
It was while trying to get undressed that Derek realised he was rat arsed.Clayboys Astrology - Cancer
Over-imaginative, intense, nonconformist, dreamer, manipulative, brooding, touchy, sulky, moody, needy, crabby, suspicious, tactless, likes attention, overly-sensitive, over-emotional, secretive, possessive, enigmatic, introspective, self-absorbed... nicer than ANYONE else.
WHEN IT CAME TO A ROMANTIC MEAL, FRED BELIEVED IT WAS ALL IN THE PRESENTATIONHappy Birthday Symptoms of stress are... eating and drinking too much and impulse buying ...are they kidding?...
It's our lucky day. Some doctor is paying us £50 just to paint the inside of this old police boxBarry, in the concrete jungle of life... may you find the perfect balcony
Derek's laptop gave new meaning to the term logging onClayboys Astrology - Leo
egotistical, interfering, bossy, stubborn, arrogant, patronizing, melodramatic, controlling, gossipy, vain, jealous, sulky, brash, lusstful, indolent, proud, smug, over-ambitious, self-centered, opinionated, hedonistic, boastful, extravagant, pushy... BORN to RULE.
WHILST FRED AND PENELOPE WERE CAT PEOPLE, THEIR NEW NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOURS WERE MOST DEFINITELY DOG-PEOPLEShall we let it breath Martha? No! lets murder it now James.
Off to the MatchThe toughest part of Bella's exercise class was the bit where she had to hold a fart in
Clayboys Astrology - Virgo
Bitchy, irritable, fussy, anal-retentive, dogmatic, eccentric, over-ambitious, over-critical, pedantic, restless, demanding, always complaining, always worrying, obsessive compulsive, shrewd, anti-social, intolerant of criticism, argumentative, vain, perfectionist...and SEXY as HELL.
FRED'S FEELINGS ABOUT SPEED CAMERAS WERE CLEAR AND UNEQUIVOCAL
THEY INSTINCTIVELY KNEW THE SAFEST PLACE WHEN BERNARD WAS ABOUT TO PLAY HIS SHOTSorry Susan... a big noodle... a bigger noodle
Blah blah Shoes blah blah di blah Lets do lunch Darling, I need a new outfit blah blah di blah blah bla bla blah blah di blah blah               

Working from home helped Bella focus on thClayboys Astrology - Libra
Unperdictable, gullible, self-indulgent, flirtatious, intolerant of criticsim, extravagant, sulky, moody, escapist, easily influenced, overbearing, quarrelsome, inconsistent, naive, restless, impatient, manipulative, argumentative, stubborn, indecisive...absolutely FABULOUS.
FRED AND PENELOPE LOVED SENDING EACH OTHER ROAMNTIC TEXTSAn administrative error at the British Open paired Colin Montgomerie with 'Tigger'
Bella found glasses did not make her look more intelligentClayboys Astrology - Scorpio
Controlling, competitive, jealous, intense, demanding, obstinate, tactless, over-bearing, blunt, know-it-all, self-centred, possessive, hot headed, vengeful, volatile, outspoken, brooding, lustful, opinionated, rebellious, overcritical, quick-tempered...totally HYPNOTIC.
FRED FOUND THAT BY USING AN INFLATABLE REPLICA OF HE COULD POP OUT TO THE PUB WITHOUT PENELOPE NOTICINGWhoops! I forgot to put my light sabre on 'charge'
Clayboys Astrology - Sagittarius
Restless, tactless, insensitive, blindly optimistic, eccentric, fool-hardy, outspoken, volatile, blunt, absent-minded, indulgent, over-confident, clumsy, hedonistic, procastinating, argumentative, impatient, rebellious, irresponsible...and INCREDIBLY desirable.
FRED SPENT THE EVENING WORKING OUT HOW MUCH MONEY HE HAS SAVED BY DOING THE PLUMBING HIMSELF
JEFF, I CAN'T AFFORD A NEW ARSENAL KIT EVERY YEAR.   YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO SUPPORT NEWCASTLE LIKE THE REST OF US.FRED AND PENELOPE LOVED TO EXPERIMENT WITH NEW PAINT TECHNIQUES
The Newcastle police suspected the culprits were Sunderland fansWHEN FRED AND PENELOPE SET OUT FOR THEIR MEETING WITH THE LOCAL PLANNING OFFICER IT WAS WITH A SENSE OF FOREBODING
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'IT'S A BIT MUDDY'?"AS PART OF HER NEW FITNESS PROGRAMME PENELOPE WATCHED HER STEP AEROBICS VIDEO EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL
WHILE SINGING IN THE HILLS MARIA SUDDENLY REALISED SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE A NUN AFTER ALLFRED HAD HIGH HOPES FOR ANTHONY
PENELOPE WAS A GREAT BELIEVER IN THE POWER OF PRAYERFRED COULD ALWAYS TELL WHEN PENELOPE HAD A SWEET SHERRY COURSING THROUGH HER VEINS
FRED AND PENELOPE MADE A GREAT TEAMFOR MANY YEARS FRED'S SECRET SUNDAY AFTERNOON NAPS WENT UNDETECTED
FRED HAD NEVER BEEN A GREAT ONE FOR BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS

[SIGN: LEAVE PRESENTS HERE AND BUGGER OFF]FRED'S FIRST ATTEMPT AT FILM-MAKING WAS A FLY-ON-THE-WALL DOCUMENTARY
FRED HAD BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR MONTHS"IN A FEW WEEKS YOU'LL LOOK BACK ON ALL THIS AND LAUGH," CHIRPED FRED
FRED FINALLY FINISHED THE GRANNY ANNEXEPENELOPE WAS BECOMING CONCERNED ABOUT FRED'S DRINKING
ANTHONY'S FRIENDS WERE A CLASSY CROWDFRED'S LIFE WAS ALWAYS FULL OF DRAMA
IT WAS SO LONG SINCE FRED HAD SEEN IT THAT PENELOPE VERY KINDLY AGREED TO DESCRIBE IT TO HIMPENELOPE WAS BEGINNING TO WISH SHE HAD NEVER BOUGHT FRED THE CAMCORDER
PENELOPE THOUGH SHE COULD DETECT THE TELL-TALE SIGNS OF A MID0LIFE CRISISAT LAST FRED FOUND THE PERFECT JOB
PENELOPE KNEW EXACTLY WHERE SHE WOULD LIKE FRED TO SHOVE HIS GOLF CLUBS

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